I can only forget about 'us'

I knew there would be a reason why he was on my mind. In connection to my last blog, all I need to say is, it happened again. Although, this time, I couldn't help but think it was different. Yeah, so ringing me at daft o'clock isn't anything new, neither is me running to his becking call. But this time, we talked a lot while looking at the stars, making ambitious new constellations, namely "the triangle" and "the loner". They're keepers.

He told me he was locked out, an excuse he had used on my part so that I could go back to his one night, to avoid suspicions. I think it was genuine.
"Carl thought it was your ex last week..tapped me on the shoulder, I couldn't believe it!"
"You're joking...oh god. Pffft."
He was always dismissive when it came to her. Afterall, she did cheat on him with Carl. This case of mistaken identity made me wonder if the reason he chose me to be 'friends with benefits' or whatever you prefer to call it, with me was because I bear alikeness with her. Which i'd desperatley hope is not the case.

I didn't expect a kiss, but thought there would probably be one. Before anything happens with us he is great. He started gently stroking my hair and skin. I couldn't help but not take it seriously, as I knew the one reason he was doing this. I heard something once "I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all." For me, it's "I'd rather have this with you than noting at all." Its like we detach ourselves from everyone else for one night, but crash back to reality more or less as soon as its over.

We didn't go all the way this time, but would have if he had came a little more prepared. No goodbye kiss or hug, a "cya" and that was it.

Not long after being in bed, I recieved a text, that I really did not expect:
"Just going to say im so sorry you deserve better than the way I treat you. Please just delete my number and forget about me. Im sorry."

I was going to reply, telling him not to be sorry: I understood the circumstances from the beginning, but I left it and went to sleep. I stayed in bed all day. I didn't know what to make of the text. Is it really that he feels bad about how he uses me, or is it that hes fed up with the sneaking and has started to have stronger feelings towards his girlfriend? It would have meant more if he had done it to my face. If it is for the former reason, im glad he has a little respect for me and mustn't think I am a slut, which I sometimes think of myself, as he wouldn't be bothered of hurting my feelings.

Of course I haven't deleted his number. It was never me who instigated anything in the first place, it was always him who suggested things. The risk of his girlfriend reading my text and everyone finding out was too great. It must all seem so silly and stupid of me to be feeling down about this, as what should I expect, serves me right, right? It feels like i've lost someone, and I have, I have lost a friend and someone that I care about, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Truth is, I just want to know what he is thinking, what he thinks of ME. I can't forget about him, I never will. I can only forget about 'us'.