There are reasons for secrets

It's only really started the past few weeks, but I have been thinking a lot about the whole me/'him' situation.

I knew from the beginning it was to be nothing more than sex, maybe I should never have considered it seeing as I have always had a soft spot for him: i'd always thought/hoped it would amount to more than something physical. He's always been out of bounds though: a friend's ex. Not only an ex, her first serious boyfriend of 2 years. Girls who mess about with a friend's ex? I know what I think of girls like that. Turns out I am one. But it doesn't feel that way.

Things were never really perfect bewteen them. I know nothing is perfect or any where near, but nevertheless there was cheating on her part and none of his friends really liked the idea of them being as couple. So unkeen it happens that as soon as he ended it for good, they took him out and celebrated by taking him out and getting him bladdered. Ahh... how she was admired.

I thought he was good looking and he made me laugh. He seemed a great person to be around. I loved to watch his drunk dancing skills on the dirty dancefloors of the local dive that we all oh so loved. I was already good friends with his best friends, and through this we were acquainted. Becoming a complete binge drinker lead to me becoming a social butterfly. He always stayed my friend's boyfriend though. No thought crossed my mind that it would be anything more than me thinking he was a bit of alright.

Several drunken nights of raving and indeed misbehaving lead to me being walked home, then there was a kiss, then another then another... then there was New Year. Being left alone with him while trollyed on Ouzo and Cider realllllly wasn't a good idea looking back. The gift of hindsight, eh? Me plus intoxication equals very low morals, embarrasment and I lack the 'what the fuck are you doing love' factor. To cut a long story short, I ended up at his empty house alone, and there was a slight awkwardness in the morning car ride home.

Ofcourse at this time I was speaking to Anthony, and believed something would blossom (still waiting...) so I thought if he was interested enough, he would let me know and we could take it from there. One week passed. One month passed. Nothing. What a shame that something that is supposed to be special turned out to be some sort of regret, moreso on his part. I never thought that would happen to me! Always being so careful, or, frigid.

I never thought the next time I would see him would be lying topless in a bed with some girl walking out of the room, with yep, you got it, SEX HAIR. Ouch. That HURT! So that kinda ruined the whole night to be honest. Couldn't help but think I just wasn't good enough. I mean what was it for him, something to keep him going before he shacked up with his new girlfriend when for me it was a whole lot more? Seeing her worsened all my insecurities and I spent the night wondering why I was never good enough.

Its funny how you can be dead against something so much, yet you do it. I slept with him after that, knowing he was still going out with his new female friend. I really can't stand cheating, but telling myself "its not YOU who has cheated, it's HIM" seemed to ease the guilt a tad. Realisticly, I know I am in the wrong. I know how much that would hurt me. Thats why it shouldn't have happened the third time either. My guilt was multiplied by a million times more when I had my friend (his ex) telling me how im so 'genuine' and so 'trustworthy'. I mean, i'm a bad person and I can't tell anyone: not for selfish reasons, just i'd rather hurt on my own than cause uneccessary upset and ruin a friendship and relationship.

Since the third time, I have heard nothing. I saw them together on a night out with friends, and I felt the hurt inside me. When I see him or her theres the hurt, self-loathing and the constant reminder that i'm not good enough.

Looks like I have to keep this secret. Still, lesson learned. I hope.