I can only forget about 'us'

I knew there would be a reason why he was on my mind. In connection to my last blog, all I need to say is, it happened again. Although, this time, I couldn't help but think it was different. Yeah, so ringing me at daft o'clock isn't anything new, neither is me running to his becking call. But this time, we talked a lot while looking at the stars, making ambitious new constellations, namely "the triangle" and "the loner". They're keepers.

He told me he was locked out, an excuse he had used on my part so that I could go back to his one night, to avoid suspicions. I think it was genuine.
"Carl thought it was your ex last week..tapped me on the shoulder, I couldn't believe it!"
"You're joking...oh god. Pffft."
He was always dismissive when it came to her. Afterall, she did cheat on him with Carl. This case of mistaken identity made me wonder if the reason he chose me to be 'friends with benefits' or whatever you prefer to call it, with me was because I bear alikeness with her. Which i'd desperatley hope is not the case.

I didn't expect a kiss, but thought there would probably be one. Before anything happens with us he is great. He started gently stroking my hair and skin. I couldn't help but not take it seriously, as I knew the one reason he was doing this. I heard something once "I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all." For me, it's "I'd rather have this with you than noting at all." Its like we detach ourselves from everyone else for one night, but crash back to reality more or less as soon as its over.

We didn't go all the way this time, but would have if he had came a little more prepared. No goodbye kiss or hug, a "cya" and that was it.

Not long after being in bed, I recieved a text, that I really did not expect:
"Just going to say im so sorry you deserve better than the way I treat you. Please just delete my number and forget about me. Im sorry."

I was going to reply, telling him not to be sorry: I understood the circumstances from the beginning, but I left it and went to sleep. I stayed in bed all day. I didn't know what to make of the text. Is it really that he feels bad about how he uses me, or is it that hes fed up with the sneaking and has started to have stronger feelings towards his girlfriend? It would have meant more if he had done it to my face. If it is for the former reason, im glad he has a little respect for me and mustn't think I am a slut, which I sometimes think of myself, as he wouldn't be bothered of hurting my feelings.

Of course I haven't deleted his number. It was never me who instigated anything in the first place, it was always him who suggested things. The risk of his girlfriend reading my text and everyone finding out was too great. It must all seem so silly and stupid of me to be feeling down about this, as what should I expect, serves me right, right? It feels like i've lost someone, and I have, I have lost a friend and someone that I care about, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Truth is, I just want to know what he is thinking, what he thinks of ME. I can't forget about him, I never will. I can only forget about 'us'.

There are reasons for secrets

It's only really started the past few weeks, but I have been thinking a lot about the whole me/'him' situation.

I knew from the beginning it was to be nothing more than sex, maybe I should never have considered it seeing as I have always had a soft spot for him: i'd always thought/hoped it would amount to more than something physical. He's always been out of bounds though: a friend's ex. Not only an ex, her first serious boyfriend of 2 years. Girls who mess about with a friend's ex? I know what I think of girls like that. Turns out I am one. But it doesn't feel that way.

Things were never really perfect bewteen them. I know nothing is perfect or any where near, but nevertheless there was cheating on her part and none of his friends really liked the idea of them being as couple. So unkeen it happens that as soon as he ended it for good, they took him out and celebrated by taking him out and getting him bladdered. Ahh... how she was admired.

I thought he was good looking and he made me laugh. He seemed a great person to be around. I loved to watch his drunk dancing skills on the dirty dancefloors of the local dive that we all oh so loved. I was already good friends with his best friends, and through this we were acquainted. Becoming a complete binge drinker lead to me becoming a social butterfly. He always stayed my friend's boyfriend though. No thought crossed my mind that it would be anything more than me thinking he was a bit of alright.

Several drunken nights of raving and indeed misbehaving lead to me being walked home, then there was a kiss, then another then another... then there was New Year. Being left alone with him while trollyed on Ouzo and Cider realllllly wasn't a good idea looking back. The gift of hindsight, eh? Me plus intoxication equals very low morals, embarrasment and I lack the 'what the fuck are you doing love' factor. To cut a long story short, I ended up at his empty house alone, and there was a slight awkwardness in the morning car ride home.

Ofcourse at this time I was speaking to Anthony, and believed something would blossom (still waiting...) so I thought if he was interested enough, he would let me know and we could take it from there. One week passed. One month passed. Nothing. What a shame that something that is supposed to be special turned out to be some sort of regret, moreso on his part. I never thought that would happen to me! Always being so careful, or, frigid.

I never thought the next time I would see him would be lying topless in a bed with some girl walking out of the room, with yep, you got it, SEX HAIR. Ouch. That HURT! So that kinda ruined the whole night to be honest. Couldn't help but think I just wasn't good enough. I mean what was it for him, something to keep him going before he shacked up with his new girlfriend when for me it was a whole lot more? Seeing her worsened all my insecurities and I spent the night wondering why I was never good enough.

Its funny how you can be dead against something so much, yet you do it. I slept with him after that, knowing he was still going out with his new female friend. I really can't stand cheating, but telling myself "its not YOU who has cheated, it's HIM" seemed to ease the guilt a tad. Realisticly, I know I am in the wrong. I know how much that would hurt me. Thats why it shouldn't have happened the third time either. My guilt was multiplied by a million times more when I had my friend (his ex) telling me how im so 'genuine' and so 'trustworthy'. I mean, i'm a bad person and I can't tell anyone: not for selfish reasons, just i'd rather hurt on my own than cause uneccessary upset and ruin a friendship and relationship.

Since the third time, I have heard nothing. I saw them together on a night out with friends, and I felt the hurt inside me. When I see him or her theres the hurt, self-loathing and the constant reminder that i'm not good enough.

Looks like I have to keep this secret. Still, lesson learned. I hope.

Four weeks till my 19th birthday and I feel like my life is changing so much. Im going to miss people I care about, have to try so hard and make some big decisions that will effect the rest of my life, and no one can do this but me. I realised this last night.

Clare asked the Post-Sixth Fomers to attend a meal in Chester, as a final goodbye before she leaves for Germany. Turned out the only ones who bothered were her boyfriend, Paul, Dan and myself. Dan, through his own choice may i add, was designated driver, so he was on the tap with a hint of lemon on the rocks all night, although, his mood made me wonder if he had been dabbling in illegal substances. Mistaking potato skins for foreskin cannot be put down to the water being too high in chlorine. Anyway, the night was great, and we all laughed constantly, remembering old times and just making fun out of each other and everyone else, which we seem to be incredibly good at. After the meal, I felt up for a night on the tiles, the infamous Studio Club, but the old married couple (Clare and Paul) 'didn't want to be home too late'. This meant Dan and I could take a drive to Newcastle, sit in a gorgeous little bar with live acoustic and piano and have a coke. Ok, so maybe not as exciting as a normal trip to Town but it was still great.

On the drive home, Dan told me of how he was speaking to one of our friends, and how her circumstances made him feel like she wasn't filling her own potential. Everything he was saying was making complete sense to me and in a way, felt like I could take advice from it. I know I have let myself down, and instead of dealing with it and moving on, i've dwelled and not learned from my mistakes. Maybe I don't want to grow up: the sheer thought of leaving college, being an 'adult' and possibly leaving home cumulating a lot of debt seriously scares me, but doesn't it scare everyone? But it is such an accomplishment and i'll never have the chance to do this again. I don't want to look back and regret what I haven't done.

First day back at college today made me realise - its time for change. No more second chances and no more shifting blame. I have to do this for me and get there on my own.