Four weeks till my 19th birthday and I feel like my life is changing so much. Im going to miss people I care about, have to try so hard and make some big decisions that will effect the rest of my life, and no one can do this but me. I realised this last night.

Clare asked the Post-Sixth Fomers to attend a meal in Chester, as a final goodbye before she leaves for Germany. Turned out the only ones who bothered were her boyfriend, Paul, Dan and myself. Dan, through his own choice may i add, was designated driver, so he was on the tap with a hint of lemon on the rocks all night, although, his mood made me wonder if he had been dabbling in illegal substances. Mistaking potato skins for foreskin cannot be put down to the water being too high in chlorine. Anyway, the night was great, and we all laughed constantly, remembering old times and just making fun out of each other and everyone else, which we seem to be incredibly good at. After the meal, I felt up for a night on the tiles, the infamous Studio Club, but the old married couple (Clare and Paul) 'didn't want to be home too late'. This meant Dan and I could take a drive to Newcastle, sit in a gorgeous little bar with live acoustic and piano and have a coke. Ok, so maybe not as exciting as a normal trip to Town but it was still great.

On the drive home, Dan told me of how he was speaking to one of our friends, and how her circumstances made him feel like she wasn't filling her own potential. Everything he was saying was making complete sense to me and in a way, felt like I could take advice from it. I know I have let myself down, and instead of dealing with it and moving on, i've dwelled and not learned from my mistakes. Maybe I don't want to grow up: the sheer thought of leaving college, being an 'adult' and possibly leaving home cumulating a lot of debt seriously scares me, but doesn't it scare everyone? But it is such an accomplishment and i'll never have the chance to do this again. I don't want to look back and regret what I haven't done.

First day back at college today made me realise - its time for change. No more second chances and no more shifting blame. I have to do this for me and get there on my own.