Four weeks till my 19th birthday and I feel like my life is changing so much. Im going to miss people I care about, have to try so hard and make some big decisions that will effect the rest of my life, and no one can do this but me. I realised this last night.

Clare asked the Post-Sixth Fomers to attend a meal in Chester, as a final goodbye before she leaves for Germany. Turned out the only ones who bothered were her boyfriend, Paul, Dan and myself. Dan, through his own choice may i add, was designated driver, so he was on the tap with a hint of lemon on the rocks all night, although, his mood made me wonder if he had been dabbling in illegal substances. Mistaking potato skins for foreskin cannot be put down to the water being too high in chlorine. Anyway, the night was great, and we all laughed constantly, remembering old times and just making fun out of each other and everyone else, which we seem to be incredibly good at. After the meal, I felt up for a night on the tiles, the infamous Studio Club, but the old married couple (Clare and Paul) 'didn't want to be home too late'. This meant Dan and I could take a drive to Newcastle, sit in a gorgeous little bar with live acoustic and piano and have a coke. Ok, so maybe not as exciting as a normal trip to Town but it was still great.

On the drive home, Dan told me of how he was speaking to one of our friends, and how her circumstances made him feel like she wasn't filling her own potential. Everything he was saying was making complete sense to me and in a way, felt like I could take advice from it. I know I have let myself down, and instead of dealing with it and moving on, i've dwelled and not learned from my mistakes. Maybe I don't want to grow up: the sheer thought of leaving college, being an 'adult' and possibly leaving home cumulating a lot of debt seriously scares me, but doesn't it scare everyone? But it is such an accomplishment and i'll never have the chance to do this again. I don't want to look back and regret what I haven't done.

First day back at college today made me realise - its time for change. No more second chances and no more shifting blame. I have to do this for me and get there on my own.

Saturday could either be really good or terribly bad. Ellie asked me out for Nat's birthday, a girl whom from what ive gathered, isn't graced with a lot of friends. Me feeling bad for her, which is one of my greatest downfalls, said, "Of course! What time and where!"
This was before I found out we had to go fancy dressed as Fame. Problem: I don't like musicals, I hate bright colours (somewhat of a goth some would say) and I hate drawing attention to myself. So, as you can tell, im jupming for joy at the thought of it all.

The only thing making me risk walking round beloved Newcastle looking like a prized-tit is the fact I might, after almost 6 months, see Anthony again.

I met Anthony, sadly enough, through one of these ever popular "friend" sites on the internet. He added me, with a cheeky comment about how I must be good at hiding, as I was a "hot girl" in his area and he hadn't seen me before. All it took for me to reply was a glance at his profile - rocker, guitar player, good sense of humour AND he complimented me, what else could I ask for, eh?! (Of course, not that I am easy to please, aherm...)
We started talking on the internet, and eventually exchanged numbers. It got to the stage where we would text everyday, talk online everyday, and where I felt like I had known him for years. He was so different to the type of guys I had been involved with in the past. He was kind, had a great sense of huomur, the kind that makes me laugh no matter what kind of day I've had or how bad I felt, he is really intelligent, a writer, loves music, is in bands, and most of all, showed me respect. I hope this paints a picture of the low lives I have encountered in my past.
We first met up around Christmas time. I will never forget the text i received on Christmas Day..."Merry Christmas beautiful girl x" which made me want to see him even more. I dragged Ellie to Town, without clue of where we were to go, as we were Town-Virgins.
It was me who spotted him first. The Dutch (or Russian, thanks Smirnoff) courage played a great part in me going up to him and prodding him in the shoulder and going "HIIIIIIIIIIIYA!" Why he didn't run away at that point i'll never know. There was a kiss, and the smile on my face permanent. He was great and cute (bonus!). We were amongst our friends and it was so comfortable, I could have stayed out all night.
Talking continued after we met, and it actually did feel like we were a couple a lot of the time, without the commitment, and seeing each other. Ok, so a bit like a couple. Or maybe, I was deluding myself. More likely.
We met again in Town, with my promise to Ellie that I would not let her be left alone with Anthony's friend, whom wouldn't leave poor Ellie alone, and very kindly informed me he had seen Anthony's knob as he looked at it in the toilets. Thanks Chris.
Once again we met. It was St Patricks Day so spirits were merry. Anthony's friend wanted to leave early as they had been out all day on a hardcore drinking session. When we were leaving the club, Anthony grasped my hand so that we wouldn't lose each other through the crowds. He stroked me gently, as a sign that he was glad i was there and that he wanted me too. I grabbed onto him and for the first time, really held him. I wished the entrance was further away, he just made me feel so happy. We felt it hard to control ourselves the taxi journey home, it got more intense as each person was dropped off, till eventually, we were left alone.
I left the steamed up taxi with a rather scarred taxi driver and a rather "excited" Anthony.

I am hoping he likes cider filled Fame dancers. Who can't dance, and erm, don't like Fame.