'mates'

So...being a modern woman i accept my sexuality and also admit the fact that i do want 'it' a lot. Being single and unable to trust hardley anyone does seem to get in the way of things, so this little 'arrangment' i have with the 'ex' as i call him, seemed to suit. I wouldn't tell anyone (well..maybe a few people. The number does gradually increase, but only with people whom i hope i can trust) and there was no cat in hells chance that he would. I've always secretly liked him too, which was a cheeky bonus really.
What isn't is that some time into this casual secret, he decided to get a girlfriend. This wasn't great, as i found out and naturally, felt like a bad person and thought of this poor girl who was knowledgeless to what was going on behind her back. Of course all 'this' is, is a bit of how's your father whenever she isn't available to provide him with some. Girlfriend at home? DING DONG - call that lass up the street, she's game! Who cares if its half three on a monday morning, that hasn't bothered her before!
Not really bigging myself up here. Obviously i do have some form of feelings for him, its not JUST sex, well, for me anyway. I enjoy his company, think he is cute etc. but these feelings are the kind that i can control very well and don't have the potential or give me the desire for this arrangement to develop into anything more than what our friendship has become. Doesn't stop me drunk texting him though.
Why, why, why, why. Why. Barely able to sit upright on my bed, i asked "you out tonight?". Even in the drunken stupor i was in, i knew that i shouldn't show myself to be so desperate. No reply. Big surprise.
If one of us doesn't reply, there is no weird morning after text like, "oh, sorry about that, felt rather horney last night, hope i didnt awaken you!". Well, thats apart from the time i was asked to have a "bit of text sex...you know, with pictures ;)" and didn't reply. I found that the next morning the blame was quickly shifted onto a third party stealing his phone. Hmm. Questionable.
Anyway, regretting such text the day after, i was lying in bed, dreading the next day of work. I got a text. Hoping it was Anthony (yeah...right) i swiped my phone from beneath my pillow (its normal resting place at night). It was an unknown number. Shit..i had deleted the ex's number cancelling out the chance that my drunken texts would reoccur. Yes, it was him. Telling me that i seemed to have great timing with my texts...when he was in BED with his GIRLFRIEND. Ohhhh GREAT. Apparantly it "went down a treat". So i apologised and said it wuldnt happen again.
"haha, dont worry about it, she knows we're only 'mates'".
Glad to know someone finds all of this funny.
Still, i insisted this wouldn't happen again, but "no, seriously, its ok, she knows we are mates". In other words, nah, go on, DO text me, hopefully one night she'll be at home and i'll be 'locked out' again.
Just for the record, his number is STILL deleted from my phonebook.

I've known Jasmine since the beginning of Secondary School. The daunting time of fitting in, making new friends and growing up. Jasmine and Sacha went to Primary School together, and were very welcoming when I started to hangout with them more. Jasmine and I were close from Year 7. We told each other everything. It was one of those friendships you have that you can laugh at the same thing, and no-one else would really get it, and basicaly think you were sad.

Sticking together, we decided to go to the same college. New start we said, full of new people, new opportunities and most importantly in both our minds, new BOYS. Luckily for Jasmine, (the use if th word 'luckily' in this sentence is VERY questionable) she found a new boy almost straight away. At first she would tell me of all the wonderful things he would say to her, how he made her feel.

I admit, I was a little jealous; up until that point no-one had ever seen me as girlfriend material. I was the 'swot' the 'approachable swot'. Forgot your homework? In fact, just relied on me being there to copy it for you the morning of the due date? You got it! Im a push over. Can't say I blamed them though, glasses, frizzy hair, tubby, shy, wasn't the ideal imagine for a randy teenage boy.

Anyway, this new man in Jasmine's life, Kurt, wasn't that much of a looker, but personality should rule them all. If only he had one. Or should I say, if only his wasn't aggressive and possessive.

I started noticing it at college, he was always there and always had a say in what she did. If she began talking about something he didnt want her to, I would see him grasp her hand or knee really tight, like some kind of restraint over her speech. Then, it got to the fact that she couldn't speak to certain people, all of them, co-incidently, male. He took her money without permission and spent it on food. He was greedy with food, and with Jasmine's attention. Skye and I noticed this, and began mentioning things when they were there. We warned her about this, but, he is her first love, she is blinded by that.

I began to lose respect for Jasmine when she started ignoring me for Kurt. She could arrange a day out with me and he would not give his permission, so she would have to cancel. Explaining to her that this is not normal in a relationship and he doesn't control her was hard work, and she never really took the advice. I grew to hate him. I've never really hated anyone, even a bully from school who really got to me, I can't hate her, i forgave her. However, I can never forgive the night he threateend to hit me in a nightclub and lifted his hand to me. Never have i been more scared of what a man would do to me, not even the night I was left alone with a stanger and he was forceful with me. Kurt has an anger in his eyes that looks uncontrollable, i've never seen it in anyone else before. Luckily Noah was there to look after me that night. Jasmine didn't care. I could go on page after page of all the times he has upset her, upset her friends, but knowing that he has complete control over her is really enough for anyone to understand her actions.

She made the decision to move away to Middlesborough to attend university. I'd say, one of her smarter decisions. Just like college, new people, new opportunities, and a new boy. She's known Martin a few years to my knowledge, after they met in Spain, both on family holidays. Ever since, they had kept in touch, and I know how close they both are. Naturally, Kurt stopped any contact as he couldn't control his jealousy, to his mistake I believe. It just made Jasmine and Martin's relationship more private, more sneaky and sly, both not telling thier partners about their friendship. He lives in Middleborough, and she told me that she knew as soon as she moved there, something was bound to happen.

They were meeting up, catching up on lost time. Both were still with their partners, but there was a kiss. She told me how guilty she felt. I told her it was the feelings they had supressed for so long, they had to be expressed. However, it was ok, as they were still "just friends". No..Jasmine, once the barrier has been crossed, theres no going back. She didn't beleive me, but i have personal experience of this, and I could predict what she was going to tell me last night.
"Martin and I slept together, but, it was as if we were byofriend and girlfriend, i think we both just needed to let it happen, and now its going to be fine, i can't tell Kurt, i just know that now its happened, we can get on with being friends."
She is even more naive than I used to be. I can tell you now that more will happen. Kurt has hurt her so much over the past couple of years, and she has been worn down. He has given her no freedom, so now on her own, without his strings, she is playing free. She says she still loves Kurt, but I asked her, maybe quite inconsideratley, "do you love him or are you used to being with him, and can't imagine yourself without him? Will you miss him or just his company and the perks of a relationship?"
She disagrees, but takes my point. What is the point of settling for second best? Maybe even third, fourth or fifth best in this case. There are happy and sad times in all relationships, but you should still be free to be your own person, and still work well as a couple. Its so sad how my once best friend has had to put up with this, and like most of us, learn the hard way.

You know those times when you actually freak yourself out? Well, ive been doing that a LOT lately. Random things will pop into my head for no reason, then i find they make sense later, or they actually happen.
I could never explain why I ever thought i'd see my ex, Nick, at college, yet for some reason, I would sometimes think about a situation where i would bump into him. Naturally, i'd make an effort on such days, just in case. Show him what he missed out on, yeah girlz?? Anyway, low and behold, it is September and I bump into a very tall thin man. I look up, and we both look at each other, lasting longer than a simple, "sorry" or "watch where you are going". It was like we recognised each other. I then realised who he looked like: if it wasn't Nick, it was his twin brother.
Then there was the other week, when I had arranged a night out in Town, hoping to see Anthony again. I felt like I was getting signs that he would be out. Turning on the TV and his favourite band was on, his name would be randomly mentioned, his favourite songs would come on the radio etc. Not exactly telepathy, but it was quite weird. Nevertheless, my quiet confidence proved correct as I saw him again ( and he is even more perfect then I remembered).
My dream last night was very strange. One of my oldest, closest friends, Sal, had recieved a phonecall from my ex, asking her to meet up with him (what he has asked from me several times). He was so keen on seeing her, that he took her to the glamorous Blackpool (don't ask me, dreams are crazy like that) and they met up. I was very accusing, and surprisingly bothered about this meeting, asking her how she could do this to me, Sal denying everything.
When I awoke, with that annoying as hell alarm sound, all blurry eyed I looked at the time - 7:30 ouch. TWO RECEIVED MESSAGES. Both from my ex. One, a pathetic attempt at text sex "I know it's late on a wednesday night, but fancy a bit of text sex ;) sending pictures?" Secondly was possibly, an even more pathetic excuse for the previous text when he realised he was getting no reply: "Sorry bout that, was my mate, night". Yeah...right.
Of course, Sal found this whole episode hilarious, a) the fact that I could even DREAM of them sleeping together, b) his oh so romantic way with words.

Maybe I should start and rent out my dreams and thoughts to make profit on my premenitions!? Or, maybe they actually aren't very important and no-one would actually care. Yeah, more likely.

After the half term week being incredibly boring and full of cancellations of nights out (due to my own illness might I add) I wasn't expecting Saturday as my recovery night to be up to much. Gwen was still an underager (and how i loved encouraging her drunken antics) and the risk of getting ID'd was quite high. Drinking at mine beforehand fuelled the laughing and joking that continued all night. Everywhere we went, Gwen attracted choruses of "Look at her boobs" "Wey aye, boobs oot!" and simply "BOOBIES". The joke didn't get old. Well, for me that is, I think she was beginning to wish she had covered up that night: "FUCK OFF, its getting old now, how many times do i have to hear this!"
"Just a few more Gwen, its your own fault, for having such wonderful mammory glands."

As we were going to Newcastle, obviously I was going to ask Anthony if he was out. Although I didn't count on it happening, I tried and tried. As it happened, so did he. Hours of persuading his friend paid off and when i got a text telling me they were on their way, I got a rush of happiness and excitment and nerves. It had been so long since i'd seen him, too long.

V.I.P. treatment, no queuing or cost later ;) ...Gwen and I hit the bar. It was sex on the beach, the classy choice.
I can't describe how I felt, as I have never really felt it before. Knowing I was going to see him was so relieving and made me feel so happy but at the same time I was scared that I wasn't good enough in comparison to most of the girls I had seen that night. Downing my cocktail with my usual dose of dutch courage, my eyes searched the dancefloor. I spotted a tall man, who I was sure was his friend. Sure enough, a stone's throw away, there was Anthony. I don't know why but when I saw him, I hid behind Gwen. "He's there!"
"Go and see him then!"
"Erm...wait a bit, see if he notices me."
Well, he didn't and I decided to go and poke him in the back. Sigh. I kept doing it and he wasn't turning round, which uneased me slightly, so Gwen, obviously sticking up for me, slapped him across the back of the head. Thats more like it.
He was smaller than I remembered, and as Gwen kindly put it "He look git small him! Is it me, or is he small? *small hand movement*" Smaller or not, he was still as cute as I remembered. I felt too shy to look him in the eyes at first: another classic sign that I 'have it bad'.
Dancing, drinking and chatting made Gwen's bladder weak and ofcourse I had to accompany her. Even though I didn't want to. After returning from the toilet I had texts telling me to go outside and meet him. Gwen really wanted to stay, but we got her round to leaving early. I just wanted to spend as much time as possible with him.

Waiting in the taxi queue spelled mischief and the pair got up to their usual antics. Winding me and Gwen up, and using their word "Pig" which she didn't understand was only a joke and got quite offended! Anthony's friend also tricked her into stealing a man's water bottle who was standing infront of us. She did, and then he enjoyed telling him "She's jsut nicked your bottle mate." Also, Gwen pointing out a very sinister character who was standing behind me, slick black hair and an edgy face, triggered Anthoy's usual sarcastic witty type of comment "What, I like him, you're laughing just because he looks like a Bond villan. Tut."

The taxi was more or less the same, with them winding us up. When Anthony's friend left without chipping in, the taxi driver offered to "elbow him in the head till (he) got some money." Happens all the time apparantly. Anthony got hold of my hand and I persuaded him to come to Gwen's house for a bit. If im honest, I had hoped that she would have left us alone for a bit, but she didn't. So, on Gwens comfy couch, I put my head on his shoulder and we sat, well, I sat and listened to Gwen bullying him, convinced he looked 17. He held my hand and was stroking my arm, and I just wanted to sit there the whole night long. Cliched, but I felt complete, like I had been longing for this moment so long, and it was finally here. Having him so close to me made me realise that i've never felt this way about anyone else before. With him, it feels genuine. He doesn't try to get more than he should out of me, phoning me at ridiculous o'clock expecting sex, he doesn't touch me anywhere that he shouldn't (although, he does have permission). In other words, he isn't how a lot of men are with me. He has respect for me. I like him so much, I just wish things could esculate and something could happen bewteen us.
He booked a taxi for me, and although he lived a five minute walking journey from Gwens, came in the taxi with me. He held my hand again and I moved closer to him, putting my head near his shoulder and kissed him. Unlike the last steamed up more hightened taxi journey, this time I could tell that we were both disappointed that the night had to end there, and that still, we had no time alone. Even thinking of how he kissed me that night makes me smile. One last kiss and I was home, waving him goodbye. Home and happy that i'd seen him, but sad how we have to go our seperate ways once again.

The following night I received a text "Why aren't you kissing me again now? Why?"
I can understand it may seem so lah-de-dah and 'get on with it' but it's so hard to go on knowing you can't be next to the one person who you care about and think of most of the time, everyday.

Quite a lot has changed since the "delete my number" episode. I don't know why I got so depressed about it, surely I should've known it wasn't really the end. I did delete his number, and yes, he DID ring me again. Only, I had passed out after lots of alcohol and smoking some dope. Thankfully I had fell asleep, god knows what would have happened if I had answered in my state.
Probably still in a daze off the previous nights episodes, I text him apologising for not answering as I was fucked. We started talking and he said there was to be a party at a mutual friends house that night. Later on that night, I decided it sounded good so I waiting for the phonecall, and, looking rougher than a badger's arse, I got into a taxi which surprisingly was only me and him. The others were to meet us there.
The flat was a complete tip! Dirty dishes, stale food, toilet seats, blocked toilets, clothes, you name it. I didn't know how to act, us two on our own, and after THAT text. Didn't take that long for us to be sitting on the settee and his friend walking in, on his own: everyone decided they were not party people on this occassion. When he went in the shower, we were sitting on the couch and he told me about the text, that he "didn't want it to seem that thats how it was". I just sat and listened and said "I know". Don't know why I didn't question it.
All night he was saying things how I can be trusted after they told me of a sexual experience they shared with some "slag" (wish I had been spared the details) and how I was one of his best friends and how he wouldn't let anyone hurt me. Lots of things like this. Even at one point joking on how we were married. Maybe he was buttering me up (pardon the pun) for what he had in mind that night.
Things happened again, foolishly. This time however, he started to ask me things like how many people I had slept with etc. It was different between us, but the circumstances still hadnt changed. I was still stupid for falling for it.

I can only forget about 'us'

I knew there would be a reason why he was on my mind. In connection to my last blog, all I need to say is, it happened again. Although, this time, I couldn't help but think it was different. Yeah, so ringing me at daft o'clock isn't anything new, neither is me running to his becking call. But this time, we talked a lot while looking at the stars, making ambitious new constellations, namely "the triangle" and "the loner". They're keepers.

He told me he was locked out, an excuse he had used on my part so that I could go back to his one night, to avoid suspicions. I think it was genuine.
"Carl thought it was your ex last week..tapped me on the shoulder, I couldn't believe it!"
"You're joking...oh god. Pffft."
He was always dismissive when it came to her. Afterall, she did cheat on him with Carl. This case of mistaken identity made me wonder if the reason he chose me to be 'friends with benefits' or whatever you prefer to call it, with me was because I bear alikeness with her. Which i'd desperatley hope is not the case.

I didn't expect a kiss, but thought there would probably be one. Before anything happens with us he is great. He started gently stroking my hair and skin. I couldn't help but not take it seriously, as I knew the one reason he was doing this. I heard something once "I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all." For me, it's "I'd rather have this with you than noting at all." Its like we detach ourselves from everyone else for one night, but crash back to reality more or less as soon as its over.

We didn't go all the way this time, but would have if he had came a little more prepared. No goodbye kiss or hug, a "cya" and that was it.

Not long after being in bed, I recieved a text, that I really did not expect:
"Just going to say im so sorry you deserve better than the way I treat you. Please just delete my number and forget about me. Im sorry."

I was going to reply, telling him not to be sorry: I understood the circumstances from the beginning, but I left it and went to sleep. I stayed in bed all day. I didn't know what to make of the text. Is it really that he feels bad about how he uses me, or is it that hes fed up with the sneaking and has started to have stronger feelings towards his girlfriend? It would have meant more if he had done it to my face. If it is for the former reason, im glad he has a little respect for me and mustn't think I am a slut, which I sometimes think of myself, as he wouldn't be bothered of hurting my feelings.

Of course I haven't deleted his number. It was never me who instigated anything in the first place, it was always him who suggested things. The risk of his girlfriend reading my text and everyone finding out was too great. It must all seem so silly and stupid of me to be feeling down about this, as what should I expect, serves me right, right? It feels like i've lost someone, and I have, I have lost a friend and someone that I care about, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Truth is, I just want to know what he is thinking, what he thinks of ME. I can't forget about him, I never will. I can only forget about 'us'.

There are reasons for secrets

It's only really started the past few weeks, but I have been thinking a lot about the whole me/'him' situation.

I knew from the beginning it was to be nothing more than sex, maybe I should never have considered it seeing as I have always had a soft spot for him: i'd always thought/hoped it would amount to more than something physical. He's always been out of bounds though: a friend's ex. Not only an ex, her first serious boyfriend of 2 years. Girls who mess about with a friend's ex? I know what I think of girls like that. Turns out I am one. But it doesn't feel that way.

Things were never really perfect bewteen them. I know nothing is perfect or any where near, but nevertheless there was cheating on her part and none of his friends really liked the idea of them being as couple. So unkeen it happens that as soon as he ended it for good, they took him out and celebrated by taking him out and getting him bladdered. Ahh... how she was admired.

I thought he was good looking and he made me laugh. He seemed a great person to be around. I loved to watch his drunk dancing skills on the dirty dancefloors of the local dive that we all oh so loved. I was already good friends with his best friends, and through this we were acquainted. Becoming a complete binge drinker lead to me becoming a social butterfly. He always stayed my friend's boyfriend though. No thought crossed my mind that it would be anything more than me thinking he was a bit of alright.

Several drunken nights of raving and indeed misbehaving lead to me being walked home, then there was a kiss, then another then another... then there was New Year. Being left alone with him while trollyed on Ouzo and Cider realllllly wasn't a good idea looking back. The gift of hindsight, eh? Me plus intoxication equals very low morals, embarrasment and I lack the 'what the fuck are you doing love' factor. To cut a long story short, I ended up at his empty house alone, and there was a slight awkwardness in the morning car ride home.

Ofcourse at this time I was speaking to Anthony, and believed something would blossom (still waiting...) so I thought if he was interested enough, he would let me know and we could take it from there. One week passed. One month passed. Nothing. What a shame that something that is supposed to be special turned out to be some sort of regret, moreso on his part. I never thought that would happen to me! Always being so careful, or, frigid.

I never thought the next time I would see him would be lying topless in a bed with some girl walking out of the room, with yep, you got it, SEX HAIR. Ouch. That HURT! So that kinda ruined the whole night to be honest. Couldn't help but think I just wasn't good enough. I mean what was it for him, something to keep him going before he shacked up with his new girlfriend when for me it was a whole lot more? Seeing her worsened all my insecurities and I spent the night wondering why I was never good enough.

Its funny how you can be dead against something so much, yet you do it. I slept with him after that, knowing he was still going out with his new female friend. I really can't stand cheating, but telling myself "its not YOU who has cheated, it's HIM" seemed to ease the guilt a tad. Realisticly, I know I am in the wrong. I know how much that would hurt me. Thats why it shouldn't have happened the third time either. My guilt was multiplied by a million times more when I had my friend (his ex) telling me how im so 'genuine' and so 'trustworthy'. I mean, i'm a bad person and I can't tell anyone: not for selfish reasons, just i'd rather hurt on my own than cause uneccessary upset and ruin a friendship and relationship.

Since the third time, I have heard nothing. I saw them together on a night out with friends, and I felt the hurt inside me. When I see him or her theres the hurt, self-loathing and the constant reminder that i'm not good enough.

Looks like I have to keep this secret. Still, lesson learned. I hope.